Begin...

Begin is the simple title to this chapter. It's all about letting yourself start writing, and not worrying about getting it right. Julia talks about how trying to get it "right" stifles the creative flow. I find that so true. I can't stand to even edit my own work. I am not very nice to myself. It's easier for me to let someone else edit for me. They are usually more kind, and in turn I am less critical of my work when it comes back to me. :<) If left to me to edit, it will never get put out there. I am never satisfied with my work. I end up blocked, with lots of unfinished pieces, because I just can't, in my opinion, get it right. The last paragraph of Chapter one states...Left to it's own devices, writing is like weather. It has a drama, a form, a force to it that shapes the day. Just as good rain clears the air, a good writing day clears the psyche. There is something very right about simply letting yourself write. And the way to do that is to begin, to begin where you are. Writing for me does bring clarity. When I don't write enough, my mind becomes so cluttered that it's hard to sort through my thoughts. So, I'm gonna do what she says. I'm going to begin....

Begin-Initiation Tool:
This tool puts you directly into the water. Describe how and what you are feeling right now. Begin where you are -physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Write about anything and everything that crosses your mind. This is a free-form exercise. You cannot do it wrong. Be petty, ,critical, whining, scared. Be excited, adventurous, worried, happy. Be whatever and however you are at this moment. Get current. Feel the current of your own thoughts and emotions. Keep you hand moving and simply hang out on the page.

Gaining perspective is where I'm at right now. I'm desperately seeking clarity in my situations. I feel like I know what I need to do, but how I'm going to do those things are a huge obstacle right now. It's a tough thing when you realize you need to be doing something else, and need to be somewhere else, but you're stuck doing what you're currently doing and living where you currently live. I have to question the timing of my recent revelations. Why do I seem to always have a different path to take put before me, when there is no way to take that path at the time? So, I'm stuck looking at the future, and trusting that if this is the way to go, that the way will be made.

It's so easy for me to get stuck in the victim trap. Everyone in my life has always been a victim. It's always someone Else's fault or up to someone else make things work. If so and so would only do so and so. I thought I had escaped the trap but lately I've found that I put myself in the trap often. I forget that I have choices. I always have a choice. Those choices are what determine whether I gain life or stay trapped. It really is that easy, you know. Just decide and get busy, or decide and stay lazy.

I've always been a dreamer. My imagination really has no limits. I thought as I grew up that my dreams and imaginings were silly and tried to put them in their appropriate places. Where is the appropriate place for your dreams? Should you pack your imagination up and put it in the attic? I thought that dreams and imagination were bad, but what happened when I caged them was that I began to die. Not a literal physical death. No, it was more of death Of the real me. I was replaced with this person that would be accepted in the masses. My dreams and imaginings didn't match who the masses perceived me to be. In losing myself I made others more comfortable with me. But what about me? Was I comfortable? No, I was miserably unhappy. I faced a choice. Do I shed this perceived person I'd become? Should I face the fact that maybe, just maybe, people's discomfort around the real me was about their own dissatisfaction with their life? Was it that being around a living me, only reminded them of their own misery?

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stand myself. I hated this person that I was pretending to be. I saw people being themselves and loving their life for the most part. I wanted that. The only way for me to start recovering myself was to shed this perceived person that was acceptable, and allow the real me to appear. I had to accept me. I had to unpack all the pieces of myself that I had stored away so that I could begin to gain the life God created for me to have. I'm still unpacking believe it or not. It's a process, and sometimes a painful one, but I'm living. I'm not dying anymore. I'm alive. I'm feeling. I'm dreaming. I'm imagining. I'M LIVING!!!!